Insignificant but disturbingly honest

Category: Thoughts (page 1 of 9)

Forgot about the cup of tea

Another good and fun day. Productive. Lots of laughing. All in all good really. But I can’t help but feel tremendously uninspired! Like something is missing, that I’m used to getting. It’s itching away at me and I can’t properly relax and enjoy the things I usually do. Oh well. Life~

Turning your average and everyday into something better

Going to bed early tonight. Feels great actually. I don’t know what has happened to me but I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve become more calm as a person. Less stressed. That I’ve realized that there is a day tomorrow and not everything has to be done today. Because tomorrow won’t kill me. Well, hopefully, hehe.

Today was one of those regular days. Nothing out of the ordinary. But it was good actually. Got a haircut in the morning which felt great. Great. It had become humongous again. And of course everyone says that it would be lovely to have such hair. Maybe? I dunno. Had a nice chat with Rolf. Wonderful person. At work, business as usual. It was one of those messy days where my thoughts drifted constantly and I couldn’t really focus on work. Or at any particular task. Didn’t help that I had a long talk with a colleague. But I was happy we did! One of those good ones.

And here’s the thing. A while back I expressed that I had had a slight interest in her, since frankly she’s great to talk to, funny, charming and all that. It’s very unlike me since there was nothing to be gained from that except possibly that compliments are never a bad thing. But none the less, it feels good to be frank and get things out of your system. That has helped me to let go of it and move on, and while I at first was afraid that it would push the person away, I feel now that that is hopefully not the case which made me a happy puppy.

This evening I got home a bit later than usual but I managed to muster up some energy to sit on the spinning bike for an hour and sweat my ass off. Felt great. I was trying out exercising to music this time, mostly at least, and it felt good. It’s a bit easier to push yourself harder when you have something energetic to listen to. Might adapt what I’m “consuming” to what kind of exercise I’m doing. Today was long intervals. 5-7 minutes.

Then a friend came over and we watched an episode of The Night Of. Interesting series so far. HBO rarely disappoints. So that rounded off what I’d like to call an average day. Nothing out of the ordinary, but still with glimpses of goodness. And it’s great to feel that when you let go of your expectations and obligations to do something “good” out of your day, then it’s easier to go to bed in the evening feeling relaxed and knowing that well, it wasn’t all that bad really. Rather the opposite.

Just one of those things I’ve learned over the past year thanks to my lovely therapist.

Nights and hugs~

A fresh start

It is Saturday and I’m having my third cold period of the year. It is frustrating to say the least, especially when it happens on a weekend when you’re supposed to recharge your batteries. None the less, it is what it is, and I’m trying to see things positive anyway. Hard.

I feel that life is delicate at the moment. Most of the times I feel great even though life is rinse and repeat. I’m not doing much apart from work, sleep, exercise, entertainment and repeat. The occasional dump, wee, shower and toothbrushing of course. On the other hand there are these small things that really bring you down from time to time. It’s a shame, because otherwise things would be pretty cool. Made me come to the conclusion that I might be in need of a fresh start.

Made a list ot things I’m going to consider in the coming 3-6 months:

  • Changing job. I feel that there is a lot of negative energy going on at work.
  • Move to a new apartment. I love this place but a lot has changed since I moved here eight years ago. Possibly new city depending on the job situation.
  • Focus more on myself and less on others to make me happy.
  • Get rid of some peeps in my life that consume more energy than they put in.
  • Be more honest with people around me about how I feel.
  • Selling the gokart that’s highly likely I’ll never put to use anyhow.

I’m sure there are more things but these are the things that have been on my mind a lot lately. I feel like I need a fresh start actually. As for me I feel good and I like my hobbies. It’s the circumstances around me that I don’t particularly like and that is, like I said, contributing with negative energy. I feel that’s a thing going on in society in general now. People are hellbent on trying to bring others down and pointing out that others are at fault. I wish people could just focus on being the best they can instead.

Damn. Feels good to get this off my chest and put into words. This is more for me than anyone else. Which is a step in the right direction. In 10 days I’m seeing my psychologist and hopefully she can bring even more clarity and some good advice.

Have a nice weekend you all~

How can you be so good? There’s like a light inside you~

At this point I would usually be a bit sad that the weekend already is over. Sad might be the wrong word but you know what I mean. It’s Easter and thus we’ve been off work since Thursday but I happened to have to work Friday too so this far I’ve only been having a regular weekend. It’s been a good one in any case with surprisingly good weather which for some reason makes you worry a whole lot less than you usually do. It lifts the weights off of your shoulders in a particularly pleasant way.

My leg muscles are so very sore today. Calves and thighs in particular. Went for a run yesterday to test out how good my pace was on flat and hard terrain. Also ran 10km which is a bit longer than I usually run. Was completely exhausted in the end but I’m proud that I’m disciplined enough to finish what I set out to do. I could have easily stopped after 6-7km because the last ones were really fucking tough. But I made it and I also set a new personal record for the 10k. Now I’m almost under 50 minutes. And certainly faster than I’ve ever been. Feels great!

I’ve also had the pleasure of going to the restaurant with my family to celebrate my birthday. It’s always really nice and this was not an exception. Great food, great company and great service. I got the cutest video of a friend wishing me happy birthday (albeit a bit early). I got in touch with an ex colleague that I’ve missed for the past two weeks. I’ve been out biking and running. Had lunch with the cycling guys. Hung out with my best buddy watching a movie and goofing off. So basically even if this would’ve been a regular weekend I would have been pretty darn content.

But today I can fall asleep knowing that tomorrow is all free. Almost. Have some stuff I gotta take care of and in the evening we’re going to the movie theatre to watch the new Batman movie. A wee bit excited about that even though I know it’s not going to be anything exceptional by any means. Still there are some parts of it (or at least of the trailers) that gave me goosebumps. And while we’re on the subject, have you seen the latest X-Men trailer? Bloody awesome.

I’ve been continuing to watch Daredevil and the more I see the more I love it. Characters that you truly can sympathize with and that don’t have only one side to them. They feel deep in that they all have a background and they’re not black and white. I like that. I really like the performances some of the actors are putting in as well. Plus the chemistry between some of the characters is super. So yeah, only a few episodes left now. That is always a shame. All good things must come to an end.

What else..? Uhm, not much I guess. Glad I’m still dealing good with the whole “there’s never enough time” issue that I have going on. There are always so many things that I would like to do but I never get around to do all of them. Magazines that I wanna read. Books I wanna read. Movies I wanna watch. Games I wanna play. But nowadays I only do what I feel like at the moment. There are some things I really feel that I have to do, or that I’m obliged to do, like work and exercise, but apart from that I don’t really care much for how I spend my time. As long as it’s fun. It might sound odd because this is natural to most of us. But not to me.

So yeah, all is good mostly. There are just two things bugging me a bit. The first one is that I can’t quite shake work when I’m supposed to be free. For instance now that I wanted to take Tuesday off because 1) I had saved vacation days that I wanted to use, 2) I felt that I needed the rest and 3) it’s my birthday… I just can’t properly. Had to work Friday because some things needed to get done before next week arrived. And I have to work a bit tomorrow so that my colleague can start his work on Tuesday when I won’t be there. It’s fun and all that the organisation is dependent on you but it sucks when you can’t properly be free when you’re supposed to.

And the second thing is that I’ve recently gotten reminded about the fact that I’m missing a person in my life. I have dreams from time to time about being close to someone, caring for someone, cuddling someone, kissing someone on the forehead. Those things I miss. I’m also sexually frustrated from time to time which is natural given that it’s been three years since I had an intimate relationship with a person. Some say that I should just go out and find someone for a night but that’s not how it works for me. I’m too honest of a person for that to work with me. I just can’t do it, even if that’s what I wanted.

While I realize that these cravings, for lack of a better word, won’t go away I wish I could just do fine alone for a while. Maybe spring will help with that. Eventually I know I will have to go on the search for that particular person again but for now I don’t have the energy nor the self esteem. I just don’t believe in the whole dating thing. It has never really been my way of meeting people. It’s not as relaxed as I want it to be. Connecting with a person is supposed to be something good. Not something you do to evaluate someone else. But maybe I’m just overthinking it.

In any case, I’m happy about my current situation. It could be a whole lot worse given the circumstances. So happy that I’m dealing this good with it and that I’m still going strong. One year ago I was a complete wreck and now I feel as strong as ever. Mentally and physically. It can only get better from here on.

Take care peeps and I love you all~

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Drinking from an infinitely deep well

Writing this I realize that yet another week has passed by and it’s crazy really. I remember writing here almost every day, at least every other day. And now it’s almost a week between the posts. Guessing that’s a good thing though as it means I’m occupied and also that I don’t have too many issues to write home about. Well apart from the fact that the weekends are far too short. As usual.

Been having a good week, both at work and at home. Talking to friends. Hanging out with friends. Working with an exciting project. Learning new stuff. ‘Tis nice. Weekend has been filled with friends and also work. Was invited to Lennart&Henriette Friday evening. They’re both very kind and I love their kids as well. Got to see his impressive new bike as well. Can’t wait for spring to come so we can ride our bikes again. Saturday me and Erik went to Borås to help a friend out with moving mail servers. Not the most stimulating of jobs but it’s nice to help out and hopefully it pays well in the end.

Today I ran again for the first time in almost a month. The foot held up nicely but I have an odd sensation in it now so better be careful with running for the next week or so. Also had a head on collision with a big dog. Thankfully it went well for both of us. Spent the afternoon with Aigul just talking and having lunch. Was real nice. One of those persons I can talk lots with and I like how honest she is. We haven’t been running for a while so it was nice to catch up.

Now I’m going to head for bed. Or at least soon enough. Might watch something before doing so. I also want to share a thought before leaving. I thought about it the other day, been thinking about it for a while and also discussed it with some friends.

Don’t you think it’s funny that while it’s so natural for us to recognize a face, some faces get so dear to us that it feels like we can look at them for hours? You instantly know it’s the person when you see them, yet you can see photos of them and you see new features all the time. And you can secretly stare at them and find new things, new lines and new features to admire every single time. It’s like you never fully get to know what the look like.

While thinking about it I particularly remembered that my ex sometimes looked at me, not in my eyes but more like at my facial features, and then several seconds later just looked me in the eyes and smiled, so genuinely and so content. Like she’d seen something she really liked. Yet we knew each other really well obviously and it’s not like she saw my face for the first time. I don’t want to indulge in self flattery but it’s more like it goes to show that I’m not the only one thinking this way probably. It’s like… when you really like someone you can spend hours just looking at them. You never tire of their appearance. I think this is one of those things in life that you really want to experience, and to experience that mutually. I’ve had a feeling slightly like that recently and while it’s not mutual it’s kind of cool to experience. Makes you feel alive. Hope you get to experience that as well sometime, or maybe you already have.

Now. Good night~~~


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