Insignificant but disturbingly honest

Category: Rant (page 1 of 7)

…it only makes you stronger, right?

Why is it that with some things I can really push through, while with others I give up so easily? Or I get totally crushed by defeat. It is at those moments you need to rise up and get stronger. With my exercise I’m quite good with that, even though my motivation drops now that my energy in general gets lower.

But I don’t know. When a defeat hits me really hard I just want to burrow myself and destroy all of the other things I have. What is it worth anyway? I only see the bad things. “He/she doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore”, “He/she never calls me”, “He/she never writes unless I do first”, “He/she likes that person better than me”, “He/she will ditch me because I’m not happy and fun anymore”, “We’re not as close as we used to be”. So on, so forth. Basically I end up a jealous, sad and self-pitying bastard. And I’m like, yeah… I don’t have the energy to fight anymore anyway. It saddens me that good things fall away from me, like to the bottom of my heart. Hurts soooo bad. I sometimes waste more energy being sad about the things that I lose (or fear of losing) than being happy about the things I have. Sadly. Why am I such a grieving and resentful person? And why do I feel like the second choice? I suck.

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Darkness

Some days are just worse than others. I often post even though I have feelings that shouldn’t be put to words before getting out of that horrible position. But sometimes I choose not to post, since it just feels hilarious. Found this post today and thought why not post it anyway. I mean, guessing we all have these days and it might be nice to know that you’re not alone. I still have this in me at the moment but it’s a bit more controllable right now. Thankfully.

I can understand why my friend told me the other week that she doesn’t like Fridays. I have that exact feeling now. Though maybe not exactly because it’s Friday. It feels more like the culmination of something that has been going on for the past two or three days. It’s an odd and not at all pleasant feeling. It’s a mix of gut feeling and heart feeling. It’s like it grabs ahold of you and stops you from breathing properly. You can’t relax. It’s like when you’re in pain. It takes energy from you the entire time. I guess this is the emotional counterpart to physical pain. Perhaps?

Know that it’s just in my head but I feel completely shitty to be honest. At this very moment that is. It is most likely not true but it doesn’t make it any less real. The feeling that is. I know that now. It’s something you shouldn’t let control you but still not blame yourself for having. Take it in and let it be there, contemplate why it is and then try to live life anyway. But God it’s hard. It really is. And you just want to express to your closed ones what it’s like. You just want to scream, I don’t want it to be like this, save me. Hug me. Take this fucking parasite and cut it to pieces. Burn it. Something like that.

The feelings I have? Well I feel worthless at work. Unappreciated. I feel like no one will ever love me again. Like I’m not wanted. I mean why would anyone ever choose me over someone else? There is always someone that is better. Better looking. Smarter. More sexy. More attractive. Kinder. Wiser. Funnier. What would I ever have to offer, right? I will only ever be the second best thing at best. Or a good friend. Someone to rely on. But I will never be the best there is. Or even remotely close to that. I’ve had numerous dreams lately of being with someone, no one in particular, just this diffuse person who I am really close with and that I have a special bond to. Nothing sexual, but intimate none the less. Only to wake up to the fact that that’ll never happen. God I wish that someone would look at me like that again. With sparkles in their eyes. I know it’s egoistic to feel like that because there are so many persons out there with a much worse life than I have. But it doesn’t make my feelings any less real though.

So yeah, cheers to weekend and cheers to being shitty. But also cheers to the fact that it’ll hopefully, eventually, get better. And thank God there’s a pressure valve called crying. Makes everything feel better for a while. Makes you feel that you’re not alone. That it will be alright. I wish I had closer to tears than I have actually. I feel it’s as important as laughing, though possibly something you don’t want to do as often, since it’s not necessarily a very good sign. I guess?

Blah. I hate this. And I hate having to write it. Again. Then again, if you come on here to read you know what kind of person I am and I guess you somewhat expect it from time to time. Haha. So sad. It’s funny how quickly things can turn from being very good to being the opposite. Or at least somewhat the opposite. But it helps to write. It’s a way of channeling the bad energy inside you.

Yeah. Bye……

So lucky ♥ T_T

I was just thinking, was this my first week of work after the vacation? But no, it wasn’t. I worked for three weeks before going to Majorca. I was just about to say though that once you work five days a week you start to value your weekend and thus your spare time a whole lot more than when you’re on vacation. It’s insane how quickly these days pass really. Insane.

Made that statement like a thousand times though so nothing new under the sun. Apart from that I’ve had a great weekend. Been having it a bit tough mentally lately. Lots of stuff happening. Lots of thoughts and emotions. Since getting better after last year’s meltdown I’ve mainly breezed through life. It’s been pretty easy. I haven’t really had to try to feel good about myself. And have a good time. It has just happened. Lately that has changed a bit, although not a whole much. But a bit.

The difference now though is that I can see that those are only temporary feelings. And that I don’t have to act on those feelings and let them control me. I can let them be there, and be aware of them, and let them give insight into what’s happening. But I don’t have to let them ruin, for lack of a better word, my day or what not. I also try to turn the situation around. Like for instance if I feel that I’m missing something, I look to what I have instead. And to what all that I have in my life would have been worth, like five years ago.

Only this weekend I’ve hung out with six different groups of people in different occasions. That would have been impossible years ago. I would have been a wreck. Not to mention the fact that I wouldn’t have dared to get to know them. Now I don’t even have to think about that. I only have a good time. It might seem odd to most of you who haven’t faced the same issues but I’m sooooooo happy that it is this way now. So happy that I get to meet all of these peeps and have a good time. It’s not at all something one should take for granted, quite the opposite.

That said, things can always get better and I’m hoping that the future has some good things in store for me 🙂 It’s looking bright!

Hugs and night!

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LĂ„gkonjunktur

Ledsen idag. Vet inte vad det beror pĂ„ om jag ska vara Ă€rlig. Ingen lust att trĂ€na, trĂ€ffa folk eller göra nĂ„gonting alls för att vara Ă€rlig. Kanske har det att göra med jobbiga kunder. Att jag inte fĂ„r tillrĂ€ckligt med sömn. Att nĂ„got Ă€r fel i mitt huvud. Vad vet jag. Jag vill bara inte vara med. Det svĂ€nger kraftigt och snabbt nu igen. Inte kul alls. Vad Ă€r det för fel pĂ„ mig? Allt var sĂ„ bra sĂ„ lĂ€nge jag slapp interagera med mĂ€nniskor. SĂ„ tudelat. Vissa Ă€r underbara, andra vill bara förstöra för en. Är det vĂ€rt det i slutĂ€ndan? Just nu sĂ„ vet jag fan inte. Bara ledsen. Vill stĂ€lla in allt. Allt verkligen. Bara ligga hĂ€r hemma och kolla pĂ„ film och spela. DĂ€r finns det inget som förstör för mig.

Tack för mig. PÄ Äterhörande.

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