Insignificant but disturbingly honest

Category: Pain (page 1 of 9)

…it only makes you stronger, right?

Why is it that with some things I can really push through, while with others I give up so easily? Or I get totally crushed by defeat. It is at those moments you need to rise up and get stronger. With my exercise I’m quite good with that, even though my motivation drops now that my energy in general gets lower.

But I don’t know. When a defeat hits me really hard I just want to burrow myself and destroy all of the other things I have. What is it worth anyway? I only see the bad things. “He/she doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore”, “He/she never calls me”, “He/she never writes unless I do first”, “He/she likes that person better than me”, “He/she will ditch me because I’m not happy and fun anymore”, “We’re not as close as we used to be”. So on, so forth. Basically I end up a jealous, sad and self-pitying bastard. And I’m like, yeah… I don’t have the energy to fight anymore anyway. It saddens me that good things fall away from me, like to the bottom of my heart. Hurts soooo bad. I sometimes waste more energy being sad about the things that I lose (or fear of losing) than being happy about the things I have. Sadly. Why am I such a grieving and resentful person? And why do I feel like the second choice? I suck.



Some days are just worse than others. I often post even though I have feelings that shouldn’t be put to words before getting out of that horrible position. But sometimes I choose not to post, since it just feels hilarious. Found this post today and thought why not post it anyway. I mean, guessing we all have these days and it might be nice to know that you’re not alone. I still have this in me at the moment but it’s a bit more controllable right now. Thankfully.

I can understand why my friend told me the other week that she doesn’t like Fridays. I have that exact feeling now. Though maybe not exactly because it’s Friday. It feels more like the culmination of something that has been going on for the past two or three days. It’s an odd and not at all pleasant feeling. It’s a mix of gut feeling and heart feeling. It’s like it grabs ahold of you and stops you from breathing properly. You can’t relax. It’s like when you’re in pain. It takes energy from you the entire time. I guess this is the emotional counterpart to physical pain. Perhaps?

Know that it’s just in my head but I feel completely shitty to be honest. At this very moment that is. It is most likely not true but it doesn’t make it any less real. The feeling that is. I know that now. It’s something you shouldn’t let control you but still not blame yourself for having. Take it in and let it be there, contemplate why it is and then try to live life anyway. But God it’s hard. It really is. And you just want to express to your closed ones what it’s like. You just want to scream, I don’t want it to be like this, save me. Hug me. Take this fucking parasite and cut it to pieces. Burn it. Something like that.

The feelings I have? Well I feel worthless at work. Unappreciated. I feel like no one will ever love me again. Like I’m not wanted. I mean why would anyone ever choose me over someone else? There is always someone that is better. Better looking. Smarter. More sexy. More attractive. Kinder. Wiser. Funnier. What would I ever have to offer, right? I will only ever be the second best thing at best. Or a good friend. Someone to rely on. But I will never be the best there is. Or even remotely close to that. I’ve had numerous dreams lately of being with someone, no one in particular, just this diffuse person who I am really close with and that I have a special bond to. Nothing sexual, but intimate none the less. Only to wake up to the fact that that’ll never happen. God I wish that someone would look at me like that again. With sparkles in their eyes. I know it’s egoistic to feel like that because there are so many persons out there with a much worse life than I have. But it doesn’t make my feelings any less real though.

So yeah, cheers to weekend and cheers to being shitty. But also cheers to the fact that it’ll hopefully, eventually, get better. And thank God there’s a pressure valve called crying. Makes everything feel better for a while. Makes you feel that you’re not alone. That it will be alright. I wish I had closer to tears than I have actually. I feel it’s as important as laughing, though possibly something you don’t want to do as often, since it’s not necessarily a very good sign. I guess?

Blah. I hate this. And I hate having to write it. Again. Then again, if you come on here to read you know what kind of person I am and I guess you somewhat expect it from time to time. Haha. So sad. It’s funny how quickly things can turn from being very good to being the opposite. Or at least somewhat the opposite. But it helps to write. It’s a way of channeling the bad energy inside you.

Yeah. Bye……

Energy below acceptable levels

The coming vacation is really well timed. I don’t know what happened this week but all of a sudden I can barely spell words anymore. My brain is shutting down. Possibly a combination of many things during the week. All of which have taken a toll on my energy level. 

Tonight I’m going toSonja together with Stina. I was so close to cancelling but I’m going to try something new and see how that works. Coming home and crying on the bed ventilates some of the bad stuff out thankfully. I’m such a grown up…

Have a nice weekend



And it turned out to be the right move. Thank god for understanding and supportive friends ♥


Balancing on a sword’s edge

Bad day. Well, it had its ups and laughs but in the end, summarizing, bad. You fight to make it good. You have your hopes. But alas. Overwhelming feeling of sadness. I will never be able to explain this to someone who isn’t like me but it takes over me and I just become so hopelessly sad. Today had too many hurdles. Too many small things that went wrong. I don’t want to fight anymore so instead I go to bed. Night.

Kort och gott. Folk kan dra åt helvete~


Ledsen idag. Vet inte vad det beror på om jag ska vara ärlig. Ingen lust att träna, träffa folk eller göra någonting alls för att vara ärlig. Kanske har det att göra med jobbiga kunder. Att jag inte får tillräckligt med sömn. Att något är fel i mitt huvud. Vad vet jag. Jag vill bara inte vara med. Det svänger kraftigt och snabbt nu igen. Inte kul alls. Vad är det för fel på mig? Allt var så bra så länge jag slapp interagera med människor. Så tudelat. Vissa är underbara, andra vill bara förstöra för en. Är det värt det i slutändan? Just nu så vet jag fan inte. Bara ledsen. Vill ställa in allt. Allt verkligen. Bara ligga här hemma och kolla på film och spela. Där finns det inget som förstör för mig.

Tack för mig. På återhörande.


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