Some days are just worse than others. I often post even though I have feelings that shouldn’t be put to words before getting out of that horrible position. But sometimes I choose not to post, since it just feels hilarious. Found this post today and thought why not post it anyway. I mean, guessing we all have these days and it might be nice to know that you’re not alone. I still have this in me at the moment but it’s a bit more controllable right now. Thankfully.
I can understand why my friend told me the other week that she doesn’t like Fridays. I have that exact feeling now. Though maybe not exactly because it’s Friday. It feels more like the culmination of something that has been going on for the past two or three days. It’s an odd and not at all pleasant feeling. It’s a mix of gut feeling and heart feeling. It’s like it grabs ahold of you and stops you from breathing properly. You can’t relax. It’s like when you’re in pain. It takes energy from you the entire time. I guess this is the emotional counterpart to physical pain. Perhaps?
Know that it’s just in my head but I feel completely shitty to be honest. At this very moment that is. It is most likely not true but it doesn’t make it any less real. The feeling that is. I know that now. It’s something you shouldn’t let control you but still not blame yourself for having. Take it in and let it be there, contemplate why it is and then try to live life anyway. But God it’s hard. It really is. And you just want to express to your closed ones what it’s like. You just want to scream, I don’t want it to be like this, save me. Hug me. Take this fucking parasite and cut it to pieces. Burn it. Something like that.
The feelings I have? Well I feel worthless at work. Unappreciated. I feel like no one will ever love me again. Like I’m not wanted. I mean why would anyone ever choose me over someone else? There is always someone that is better. Better looking. Smarter. More sexy. More attractive. Kinder. Wiser. Funnier. What would I ever have to offer, right? I will only ever be the second best thing at best. Or a good friend. Someone to rely on. But I will never be the best there is. Or even remotely close to that. I’ve had numerous dreams lately of being with someone, no one in particular, just this diffuse person who I am really close with and that I have a special bond to. Nothing sexual, but intimate none the less. Only to wake up to the fact that that’ll never happen. God I wish that someone would look at me like that again. With sparkles in their eyes. I know it’s egoistic to feel like that because there are so many persons out there with a much worse life than I have. But it doesn’t make my feelings any less real though.
So yeah, cheers to weekend and cheers to being shitty. But also cheers to the fact that it’ll hopefully, eventually, get better. And thank God there’s a pressure valve called crying. Makes everything feel better for a while. Makes you feel that you’re not alone. That it will be alright. I wish I had closer to tears than I have actually. I feel it’s as important as laughing, though possibly something you don’t want to do as often, since it’s not necessarily a very good sign. I guess?
Blah. I hate this. And I hate having to write it. Again. Then again, if you come on here to read you know what kind of person I am and I guess you somewhat expect it from time to time. Haha. So sad. It’s funny how quickly things can turn from being very good to being the opposite. Or at least somewhat the opposite. But it helps to write. It’s a way of channeling the bad energy inside you.