Today it feels as though the cold is finally letting go of my body. I’ve been able to sleep properly tonight. Slept for what felt like ages. And the cat let me sleep too. She was really cosy for once. Apart from that I haven’t been doing much. Been out for a walk and chatting to friends. It’s been a good day actually.
But I had this odd sensation of anxiety before. A feeling and emotion that I haven’t felt in a long, long time. A mix of something that is coming to an end and of being very, very alone. Like being abandoned. Horrible. I think why it felt so horrible is because these are feelings I’ve been accustomed to in the past. It scared me a bit when it happened and I felt like… nooo, don’t take ahold of my life again. But after a walk in the sun the feeling let go of me.
Not sure what triggered it. Perhaps that vacation is starting to come to an end? Or maybe that I watched Mad Men and a character had a real sense of loneliness? And I felt I could understand that. Perhaps not relate, but understand. Because honestly I am at a place in my life right now where I feel really content. At least when there are no things coming in from the side that disturb. So when that feeling poked me earlier today it was like a horrible flashback. I can’t understand how I could live like that before.