Saturday. Cold. My mood is sinking like the flakes of snow outside the window. Why is that? Why is it that you can’t really decide how to feel? Most of the time I’m happy and excited about stuff but today. Today is one of those days where the bad thoughts get to you. All you can think of is why no one is calling? Why is no one texting? Why doesn’t anyone want to do something? Why is it that 99% of the time I have to be the one to reach out? Am I that boring? Am I a bother?

Luckily I often manage to spend my time alone quite well but I wish I could go outside for a long bike ride. In nice weather. Not this slippery, cold and windswept shit. And it’s a shame that my foot is still sore although it’s getting better. Thankfully.

And then I think… what do I have to be sad about? Nothing. Nothing at all. Quite the contrary. But in these situations that doesn’t help. Because all the good things that everyone ever did for you seem swept away. It is the opposite of love. It turns all the energy into dark energy. All those things that should be good into bad stuff.

It’s on these days I tend to think… what does it all matter? One day we’re all dead anyway. In what way do all the things I do matter? Well the rush matters. Adrenaline matters. Love matters. But you get those things soooooo seldom. Today is one of those days where I see all of what others have, and none of what I myself have. Sadly. I know it’s not true but I can’t help feeling that way.

Sorry. Just had to put it out there. Maybe that’s why people give up on me. I complain about the same things over and over, and people get fed up. But yeah, like I said, does it really matter anyway. I know what’s wrong to begin with but at the moment I can’t do anything about it anyway. Fate.

Have a nice weekend everyone.