Caged within four walls for almost one week. World sure turns upside down. I feel like your entire being and all your values are turned upside down. You lose connection with everything. And for the first time in a long time I haven’t really felt useless despite being alone. Not that I’ve felt the opposite either since I’ve been sick all of the time but still. Past, present and future slowly blends together though. Most of the time I’ve just been lying on my bed doing nothing. Sleeping when I’ve been tired, getting out of bed when I’m no longer tired. No real schedule for anything. Feels like life did fifteen years ago. Which in a way is scary because it wasn’t worth a whole lot back then. But during these days I haven’t really given a fuck. And if it weren’t for the fact that I don’t want a life like that I would probably not mind lying here another week or two. Or three. Or a month. But tomorrow (more like today) it’s back to work again. Doesn’t feel good at all right now but once back in business I’m sure it’ll do me great. Hopefully.
Realized that I’ve been writing on here for over a year now. It’s not often that I stick to something for that long, but seeing as this is some kind of virtual shrink for me I’ll probably keep on coming here till the day I feel entirely good again. Maybe I’ll come back even then to tell you all how good life actually can be. I probably should since maybe someone reading here goes through the same shit I do. Anyway, hopefully it’s not all shit. I want to think that at least one out of ten posts are about something completely unrelated, and not about me complaining about bad stuff and how painful life is. It still puzzles me why people come here to read but I’m glad there are a few souls out there since ultimately sharing is really great. Just knowing that your words reach someone. I doubt anybody wants to feel alone, though there are of course many ways of connecting with people.
I always first and foremost want to write for myself though. That was the whole idea when I first started out. To process things. Clear my mind. Properly come to terms with what the hell is going on up there. It’s hard sometimes, to the point of being frustrating. Both because feelings are hard to express and understand why you have them, but also because you realize you go through the same thing over and over again. You wish you could just move on and not have to move around in a circle. But moving on, whatever the topic, is really hard. That’s perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned during this past year. But I try to remind myself that for every step backwards, try to take at least two steps forward. Try to learn from the past. Where do you want to go? Take baby steps in that direction and remind yourself what your goal is. Or your goals if you have more than one.
It’s hard for me to admit but I’ve taken steps forward in some areas but unfortunately also steps backwards in others. That’s one thing about us human beings that’s so funny. We tend to be hard on ourselves when it comes to failures. But when it comes to success, we are bad with recognizing that and boosting our confidence. All I see about my past year is the areas I haven’t made any progress or where I’ve even become worse. And my foundation is so weak. It crumbles so easily. My life is therefore very delicate and it feels like all my good sides are pointless since what I build up can be demolished so quickly. You know? One lesson I feel like I really have to learn during the rest of this year is to properly enjoy my own life, the way it is right now. Not compare too much, not remind myself too much of what I don’t have. Not look too much to the past and what I did wrong, what I miss about it and people who are no longer part of my life. But that is hard. While for instance letting go comes with time and the pain slowly fades, the void that person filled is still gaping extremely empty. So you end up with a new kind of pain. And you can’t really hope that time will do all and you’ll be fine. You’ll eventually have to work for it and adjust your way of thinking. And I’m bad with that it seems. I’m a fucking roller coaster mess of emotions.
Sigh. This ended up with no real topic and just an endless flood of printed thoughts. I had one topic the other day that I wanted to discuss that felt so close to me, but unfortunately I only had it in mind for one day and then it was gone. Should’ve written it down. Anyway, wow. I still pose the question, where the fuck is life taking me? But I know that’s the wrong question since life is not taking you anywhere. You yourself are the captain of the ship that sails the river of life. I essentially know what I want and what it is that I’m missing. And what I do have already for that matter. It’s crazy how missing so few things can make your life feel so empty for so much of your time. So much to the point that you feel like you want to sign out, weren’t it for the fact that you don’t want to give up your shot at becoming happy again. You then realize that you have too much time on your hands and too much time to think. I wish that I was one of those who saw the good in everyday life and could smile more. Not feel so strongly the ache. Then again, I know that one single turn of events could turn things completely around and it would all feel balanced and alright again. Somewhat. But still, I have to work on my foundations. I really, really do. Becoming a more solid, dependable and happy human being. Because who the fuck wants to be with a wreck, right?
And with that I bid you good night. Much love~