Good day at work. Which turns out to be the story of my life these days. One single place where I feel useful and appreciated. And somewhat liked by my colleagues as well for some reason. Then you get free time. And like this weekend, more free time than you usually have. Especially alone. And the sudden reminder that life ain’t so good. Oh come on, you say, it’s not so bad. You’re right, it isn’t. But then again, I wonder if you have something eating away at you from the inside? I wonder. Maybe. Sorry for you in that case. Welcome to the club. Too bad you had to share it with me.
I…. I’m sorry. But this self esteem thing. This self worth thing. This existence thing. It’s like a sore itch. It won’t go away and it’s always there. All I do is push it away from time to time. And god knows I love my friends, but I feel like they’re all couples and I just feel so incredibly alone sometimes. I’m sorry guys. I’m happy for you. For you not having to feel this fucking shit. And I’ve felt anxiety during the past two days as well. Forcing myself to think that hey, your heart is not gonna stop. It’s OK. Deep breath. And another one. Another one… and it doesn’t get better when you realize you look like shit too. I’ve never been too self conscious, not that worried about my appearance. But today I just feel… why do I have to look like a steaming pile of crap? I probably shouldn’t have gone with this ridiculous haircut. It would be easier if people weren’t looking at you like you’re some kind of monster. Maybe then you wouldn’t have to live the rest of your life alone.
Well whatever. Who ever said life would be easy. Rather a torment. A constant reminder that you’re not good enough and that you’ll never suffice. That you always end up doing wrong and what not. Blah. Fuck this.