The days beneath the surface are always slow and boring but they pass and in hindsight it almost feels as if they flashed by in an instant. Since Friday I’ve done literally nothing but laid in bed and just stared. Sure, watched an episode or two, MotoGP and a movie with S this evening. But that’s it. 50+ hours and 4-5 hours of activity. Insane. But… flashed by. So wasteful. At least that’s what it feels like, but maybe it’s needed. I’d like to think that I can get rid of that behavior, but maybe I’ll have to live with it for the rest of my life. God knows.
It’s funny because – again, in hindsight – it feels as if the person acting during this period of time is not entirely me. The emotional hurricane starts to control me in a sense and it’s so hard, even with logical thinking, to get over what you feel at that moment. Even though friends are super kind and ask whether you want to do that, or that, so on, so forth. You so wish that you could join them and just get over what you feel but it’s not working like that. I had one moment where I forced myself out of the bubble this weekend and for a second there I thought it worked. I felt hopeful again but then I rested for thirty minutes on the bed and it was back again. I know this must be hard to understand for an outsider. All of a sudden all those things that you usually enjoy feel so alien. Like, you don’t belong there. But you are of course a logical being as well and you are thinking. So while at the same time your entire body feels that you don’t want to do anything else but lie on bed, your brain so wish that you could join your friends and do whatever they have planned. It’s really painful and often I just end up crying because I’m so torn between the two poles. Sigh.
Then there’s the guilt afterwards. When that person you no longer feel inside you anymore is gone, you have to deal with all the consequences of those actions. You feel as though you alienated all your friends and showed them a side of you that they barely knew existed. S is one of those that understands and that’s why it was OK to hang out with her today. A understands too. And I guess maybe all understand or at least would respect it but it’s hard. I’ve come a real long way since all those years ago where all I was was a shell. Sure, I was myself still, but I only ever showed a tiny, tiny layer of myself. Never wanting to talk about stuff that mattered. Now I feel like somewhat of a new person but this alter ego of mine is like a shadow of the past. I feel that what happens then is that my old self takes ahold of me. I’m trying to put myself above that, logically, and it work sometimes but far from always. I’m trying to think that I’m getting better, as I said, but who knows. And I’m not entirely comfortable with showing my weak sides to others yet. I’ve only ever been really transparent with a person as of yet and that was my ex. God knows she had to put up with many of my odd sides, but maybe one day I’ll be able to show those sides to others as well. It feels good when a person knows everything about you and you can throw yourself off of that famous cliff of self consciousness. Because you trust the other person well enough to know that they won’t laugh at you whatever reaction you’re showing. Geez, I miss that. Well, anyway. Not sure being all that transparent with all your friends is a good thing either. But yeah..
Gotta finish up the laundry. I thoroughly recommend Penny Dreadful anyway. Great atmosphere and good actors. I’ve only seen one episode so far but I have high hopes for it. Feels very well produced. It’s so… artsy! Very nice indeed. Also check out this trailer for Nolan’s new movie. Plus a little photo of Internet at its best.
.. of course it later on escalated into religious discussions, personal attacks and what not.
PS. Coldplay and Ed Sheeran are releasing their new albums soon. Ghost Stories and Multiply (X) respectively. Sweet!