It’s Monday and today I’ve been home sick. Slight fever and just really tired. It was a good weekend that started out in blur and ended in crystal clarity. Maybe that’s why I’m mentally hung over today?
What did I do this weekend you say? Oh wait, you didn’t, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Not so much. As usual. Routine. Sometimes it works in your favor, sometimes it doesn’t. This weekend was fine, like I said. Films being the theme, but also seeing a couple of friends. One thing I’m starting to question though is why I’m having such a hard time appreciating stuff? Like, is there something that’s majorly wrong with me and my brain needs lobotomy? Cause in the end I always crash and burn, whatever the state I was in earlier on. There is simply no stability. And I wonder if I’d rather prefer it this way; superbly emotional and aware of what I have and don’t have, or the other way; mindless but content. The main question always being: is this it?
I had a friend once who always questioned that. She was quite upset with the fact that life was all about work, money, tax paying and too little about having fun and being happy. I always told her that you need one thing to appreciate the other. Always so high, mighty and wise that little me. Starting to feel that question though. Is this the way it’s supposed to be? Maybe she was right. Then again maybe I’d be content with it if those last final pieces to the puzzle fell into place. I have no idea. As it is now I just plague my friends with my very existence. I hate that despite loving them I can’t give them anything in return.
And that is really it, friends. Bonds with other human beings. I always had friends even though I’ve always been extremely niche and weird as a person. Perhaps now I have more decent friends than I ever had. Which poses the question if I’m deserving of them? And in times of doubt I always deteriorate my worth as well of course. Like, who the fuck gives a shit about me, right? Like, sure.. I have many good friends but I’ve abused the bond and they’re not as strong as they once was. I feel like eventually, just by being me and not being able to be happy, content, smiling and all that, people are going to get fed up and just say screw you. And that’s gonna be it.
But I don’t know, maybe this is just mindless rant that is fed by my mind being in the state that it’s currently in. Maybe people actually, genuinely care about me and think that I put some value into their lives. I wonder. I always doubt it when people say they consider me a close friend and someone they care about. At least during the last year. I always manage to turn something good into something not so good.
Positive thinking. I hear that’s the solution to everything. Being mindful of what you’re thinking. Believing in yourself. Trust in that you will be able to pull things off. I used to have a lot of that back in 2010 for instance. That was the year when everything was possible. When I was on a roll. And it’s funny because I wasn’t a better human being then than I am now. But I guess I believed in myself and that I had something to contribute to the world. Now all I do is whine to people and occasionally create a homepage or two. Where is my contribution? What good I am for?
But it’s funny because despite me being more of a person now with more experiences and the ability to be a better person, I still came across as better back then. Innocent. While logging into my work Facebook account the other day I realized that I had lots of old messages lying around in my inbox. It became a trip down the nostalgia lane, some dating back to 2010. Like I said, the golden year. I wonder if I will ever look back to this last year and think the same thing.
But hey Michael, you say, chin up. Look to the horizon. Think positive. You write your own story. So on, so forth. Very true. But that poses a counterquestion. All I ever achieved in the past, which is actually quite a lot for someone as cowardly as I am, can that really be credited to me? Did I get my job out of hard work or was I just lucky to know a guy that hooked me up? Did I get close to people because I was interesting and kind, or simply because I came at a time when there was no one else there? Did I get to love because I reached out to another person’s heart or only because I was kind and helpful? I would of course like to say yes to all those questions but like I said, being doubtful here.
You could of course disregard all that nonsense that I just wrote over the past hour or so but I felt like I had to put it out there. In the ether. Not sure it made me feel any better really. Maybe I just created more issues for myself. Maybe I’ll just reread this in a week and think what a fucking fool I was. But for what it’s worth I at least had the guts to spill my feelings at the moment. And it should be said, really, that I am grateful. I am. And it happens occasionally that I am happy as well. It’s just very short-lived and I’m just a very fucked up person. At a point where I’m slowly trying to push people away from me so they don’t have to put up with me and so on. Sigh.