It’s a bit odd seeing 2014 everywhere. I guess it always is when you’ve just headed into a new year. And I’m turning 30 this year. 30 fucking years. And I still feel like a silly little baby. My oh my. I wonder what 2014 will be like? I’m quite hopeful and I’m sure it will turn out to be a good year. Hopefully a lot less grief than last year. But honestly, looking back at these past years. Say 2009-2013; they have been so rich to me. Not saying I didn’t have a life before that but it was very one dimensional. Only devoted to one thing at a time. Now I feel that I’m living life more. Not being too scared of what it has to offer. Though I’m sure I still can get better at it.
2013. I’m not going to talk about it too much. At least not now. I’m sure I’ll look back at it, summarize it in photos and try to remember what it gave me in the end. But for now, naw, too friggin’ tired. Again. As for these past weeks off work it’s been a really mixed bag of feelings. Thankfully it has taken a turn for the better. Cause in all honesty, I would like to remember 2013 as a good year despite it having some tremendously painful moments.
Christmas was tough this year around and it was probably the first time I experienced it in a negative manner. It’s always been a cheerful and cosy time of the year for me but this year was hampered by expectations. Or I shouldn’t say expectations but rather comparisons to previous years. Which made my mind set on this year not being able to be good. And it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. The moment you think about it, and more or less expect it, you decide that’s how it’s gonna turn out. Which more or less happened. Thankfully it got better and better the less I thought about what had been, and instead focused on the present. There’s truly some lovely people around me that helps me out. Anyways, I have literally no photos from Christmas which is a bit sad. It’s also sad that I indirectly ruined it for some of my family members by being sad and off.
It’s funny too, this thing about the past. Many of the things I’ve been experiencing over the previous years have been of the kind “a first”. Meaning moments that you experience for the first time in your life. This somewhat enriches your feelings and it will never quite be the same again, even though you go through the same thing again. I realize this because somehow it felt like I was on drugs during certain periods of my life. This makes it easy to feel that what you have in the present isn’t as good as what you once had. Not to mention the fact that time and distance puts a certain shimmer on good old memories. Not entirely sure about where I’m getting with this but I guess I’m saying that I want to live in the present a bit more for the new year.
This was certainly true for new year’s. I didn’t have any real expectations. As I hit rock bottom during xmas I thought what the heck, it can only get better, right? Apart from the planning part (which is always a chore and somewhat stressful) the evening turned out really well. I wasn’t stuck in the past at all. Thank the lord. Our three courses were good, especially the first one and the dessert. Celebrated midnight downtown on the town square with a cigar and some champagne. Of course in good company. Eric. Anna. Alex. Nathalie. Linus. Andreas. Björn. Sarah. Jocke. Emil. Henrik. Golden guys and gals really. Then ended up in Nathalie’s and Linus’ new apartment, talking till early morning, and maybe getting a little bit too drunk. This morning we had a quite spontaneous gathering where all of a sudden all of my best friends were gathered here. Jonas, Andreas, Alex, Eric and Anna. It was really heartwarming and fun having them around at the same time. Especially seeing how we all get along so well and have a good time. Feels like I’m blessed with very kind, honest and genuine people around me. Feel like I say that all the time but it’s true and I’m super thankful about that. In the past I was so incredibly more lonely.
Anyways, time is running out here. Tomorrow it’s back to work. It’s crazy how fast these two weeks passed. Crazy really. I wouldn’t say that I have any anxiety about getting back but it’s an odd feeling. Like closing a small chapter. It’s also an odd feeling lying here alone all of a sudden. Having had people around you all the time for the past days. But now I’m going to go for a walk and then either watch some series or start with BioShock Infinite: Burial at Sea. I haven’t played the first BioShock yet but I finished Infinite the other day and it really blew me away. I completely fell in love with it and it feels like something is missing from me now that it’s over. You know, like finishing a really good book. But more about that game later. Now I bid you good night and hope that you too had a good new year’s celebration.
PS. My behind-the-back nickname is apparently the “girlfriend friend”, brought on by the fact that I’m good friends with my friends’ girlfriends. I’m not sure whether or not I should be offended by this… 😉