Been crying my heart out for what feels like the quadzillionth time this year. There’s just no energy around right now. And I don’t know what to feel. I surprise myself with genuinely laughing at times, which feels good, but often I just find myself wanting to do nothing. I’m at a point where I’d rather inflict damage to myself than try to be happy, because that doesn’t seem to work these days. Changed my mind about the annual christmas party, I’m not going. I’d rather be true to myself than pretend to be happy. Plus, what place am I to fill there anyway? I’m not needed there. Everybody has someone they care for more or rather would be with. And all the things that my friends want to do. I feel bad turning people down but I really have so few things that I feel like doing these days. It just becomes a hassle. Which makes me cry even more. What have I become?
I used to love christmas time and buying gifts for all my loved ones. Now there’s just a void.
On the way home I met my little black and white friend, purring and cuddling. Unconditional love and maybe the only species I can reach out to these days. Warms my heart, if only for a little while. Thank you little fellow. More than you can fathom. And now I’m crying again..