When I think about myself I try to think that I’m a pretty happy yet emotional person. I try to think that I’m positive even though I know that I’m also sad and worried about several things. I hope that this is how others see me too. That I’m not very sad to be around but rather that I bring laughter and happiness to people. I know I’m easily touched by things – movies, books, series, actions and so on. I’ve been so happy that I almost broke into laughter or started to cry, and I’ve been so sad that I thought there was no future and have been crying my heart out. I’ve loved and I’ve been heartbroken. I’ve been super excited and I’ve been super let down. All in all I think I’m just really emotional, and not just a sad fuck who wants to complain.
Yet, here I am. I was meaning to write this post several weeks ago but I ended up feeling better and I thought, what the heck. I had just had a panic attack during a movie theatre visit and it wasn’t very pleasant at all to be honest. Yesterday it happened again. Not in the same way but with the same result. Exhausted and not being able to go to work. Yesterday I had this heart arrhythmia issue where my heart beats ‘out of sync’ so to speak and it makes me very anxious. Last I remember checking my clock it said well past 3am. When I eventually fell asleep it was a really light sleep and I woke up several times and had horrible dreams. Been sleeping really lightly generally these past days.
And I keep asking myself: why me? Why does this happen to me and why does it happen at all?! I mean sure, I’m stressed out about things, and I’m sad about things. But not more so than any other person. But for some reason it seems like I’m overly sensitive to these things. Writing helps though. It lets your mind wander off to a different place. Lets you focus and take control over your situation. That is also one of the biggest reasons I do it. This, and regular exercise.
So what does it feel like? Well, I’ve gotten the impression that it’s hard to properly understand and relate to and to be honest with you I don’t really wish this on anyone. Just know that I don’t just whine because I want to. I find this thing utterly uncomfortable and it’s a real issue for me. A real fucking problem. These extra beats that I have are not so bad once you’ve gotten used to them. I mean they make you worried and all but it’s OK. It’s when they come often and after one another that it gets really bad. I remember once this summer when me and Andreas where in Germany, I had a serious case of this. It kept beating oddly constantly for about half a minute and at that moment I remember thinking… “Man, this is it. Now it’s gonna be over!”. And that’s essentially what it feels like. You feel like you’re going to die. That’s the intensity and level of the fear and anxiety.
About five to six years ago, roughly around the time I moved into my current apartment, was when I experienced these feelings the worst way. My sense of balance was off. Pressure over the chest. Couldn’t breathe properly. I felt nauseous. I couldn’t focus. Commotion made me uneasy and stressed out. Made me want to scream. I couldn’t think clearly. And when I had these attacks of anxiety my heart raced, I started to sweat, I lost feeling in my legs and arms and I eventually puked and collapsed. I don’t have attacks of that intensity anymore but the symptoms occur the same way to and from. And let me tell you, it’s not easy to take control of a situation where your entire body and mind tells you that you’re about to die from something. That you’re having a heart attack or something of that sort.
But it gets better from time to time and I have been completely well too. Hopefully I’ll arrive at a situation like that again soon. But till then I guess something has to be done about it. I just don’t want to resort to medication again. I want to be able to handle this myself. I just don’t know how at this point in time…
Edit 22/10 2013
Many seem to misunderstand me when I’m posting this. Thinking that I’m depressed or something along those lines. This is not true! While it often is the case that I don’t have these things when I’m doing good, they can equally often occur when I’m doing just fine. It’s subconsciously caused. It’s not something I choose by feeling bad any particular day. Which is why it’s so cumbersome because all of a sudden you have a weekend that gets destroyed by these symptoms, and you have no idea why you feel them? So no, I’m not depressed, but thanks for your concern!