Ok, I’m not gonna lie. I feel extremely bad and I’m very unhappy right now. There are short moments, bursts, of happiness but in general it’s tough. Like my base level is below the surface and I fight to get up and breathe every once in a while. I feel extremely ungrateful and bad for being in this state. But it’s not like I’ve chosen it. I would never ever choose it! I don’t really know why it’s like this. I try my best to be social. I try my best to be happy and active. I have friends and I’m kind of happy at work. Fun stuff do happen every once in a while, for which I’m grateful. But I feel soulless. Something is eating away at me. I’m extremely weak mentally and I die inside from even the smallest of hardships. I feel like I could disappear and it wouldn’t matter at all. My friends probably think I’m ultra boring and that I’m negative and stuff. I don’t know and soon enough I probably won’t even care anymore. I don’t have any energy left in me to do that. But it saddens me to lose touch with friends and I feel like I want to shout out that I’m sad, that I need help and that I don’t want for it to be like this. Guess I’m hoping for someone to come to my rescue but I know that’s not gonna happen. I just wish I didn’t have to be alone in this. That someone would understand me. Share my pain. Help me carry it.
I dislike smiling when what I most of all want to do is cry. I dislike to try when I most of all want to give up. But I won’t. Hope. Hope for a better tomorrow is all that keeps me going. Hope that I’ll find energy, inspiration, will to live, something, someone. I just don’t know how much more of this life I can take. I feel like it’s killing me. Slowly but steadily. And I feel like I’m becoming less and less of me everyday. That people is noticing. And that people is avoiding. It’s hurtful. It saddens me.
I feel alone.