I wonder what the fuck it is that determines whether we are happy or not so happy? A question that I ponder on this Thursday the 29th of August. A date I’m not so fond of historically. But what the fuck does that matter! Stupid nostalgic fuck twad of a brain.
I was having a short chit chat with my buddy an hour or so back and we were discussing issues and what makes lives so fucking tough sometimes. I feel as if you can discuss this topic endlessly and not end up being wiser in the end. The are no real answers to be found and it differs for all of us. For me I think it’s a matter of perspective (where you’re coming from and your current situation), what you’re lacking in life and the state of your fucking brain. Not to mention the oh so important whine gene. Meaning how prone you are to whine instead of actually doing something about the situation. I’m not shy to admit that I’m super guilty of the latter..
Today has been spent in bed since I ended up fucking up my neck yesterday just before heading home from work. I guess it has to do with me working on my laptop as of late instead of actually using the workstation with my monitor, keyboard and so on. Instead I end up lurking in front of my laptop like a sack of potatoes. No posture what so ever and with a slightly bent neck all the time. It eventually had it and snapped so one of my neck muscles got torn. 24 hours later I’m at least able to twist my head and sit straight up. Thank god. But it’s days like these, a day where I’ve done nothing meaningful apart from taking a walk with Anna, that I end up with this feeling of… what the fuck am I doing here? What kind of fucking life is this? Is there a meaning of enduring the boredom of regular life for the sake of happiness once or twice every fucking month? And why the fuck am I complaining when there are so many persons having a much worse life than I am?
Perspective. Knowing that you’ve had it better and that you are having it better from time to time, but that life on a daily basis is boring and filling you up with that lackluster feeling. The feeling of not being useful and of worth to anyone. And that sudden light that sometimes feels as if though it’s in your reach. Hope. Someone. Something. Filling you life with what you lack. Lacking. Lack of excitement. Lack of love. Lack of worth and value. Lack of happiness. Brainfuck. A brain with an incorrect mixture of bodily fluids that tends to leave you in a state where things feel wrong and where daily life is something that is unbalanced.
Despite being in a sad fucking situation some 5-6 years ago I was unknowingly more happy back then than I am today, even though my life situation now is like ten thousand times better. And then I realize, while writing this, that who the fuck would want to brighten my day up? Just take a look at what the fuck I’m writing and it should be evident that I’m quite the sad fuck and I probably don’t give the best of impressions to people either.
I realized today that I’m somewhat of a black hole. I feel good when people are pouring their energy onto me. I feel alive, I feel needed, I feel loved and I feel happy. When that’s not happening, and when I’m the one supposed to hand energy back or survive without any energy poured onto me… well, then it gets worse. And I guess that’s why people don’t really feel like hanging out with me at this point in time because who the fuck wants to hang out with a leech?
So yeah. That’s it for Thursday. Thursday the 29th of August. At least I’m good at something this day. And that’s pouring shit all over the interwebs. Feels good. And as always.. thanks for watching! No, sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. That’s Vsauce‘s line. I meant to say… thanks for reading, and hope I delight someone out there with my intense whining and blissful misery. Good night~
PS. They released a new trailer from GTA V today. Something that should make some of you a bit excited. Maybe? Well, watch it:
PPS. And today’s theme song. BADAM!