holding-hands

There are times I wish that I would’ve instead chosen to write in swedish. Often I prefer the english language since it has a certain kind of freedom that I don’t get with my native tongue. You also reach out to a wider audience and in my case I guess there’s a small chance that some of my international friends end up reading here. I like the idea that any person can come across my thoughts really, and maybe that it can mean something to them, be it a friend or a total stranger. But I also like the intimacy you get with swedish. Especially this night, listening to some swedish music.

Today is a day… yeah, it’s a day. That’s all it is. No, I’m lying. Today I’m tired but I’m still up apparently. As always. Better stay up and ponder the bad feelings than going to bed and embrace a new day with hope and a smile. God I’m so terrible. But then again… I can be, at least here. This is my space, isn’t it. I wonder if I’ll look back at this in one, two, three years time, and think that damn, what an idiot I was. What an ungrateful douchebag. Time will tell I guess. At this point in time I almost feel as if I can look back at the person I was two years ago and feel that that was a better person. Not wiser maybe, but better. God knows.

Cats kept me awake during what felt like all night. Going for a walk with Stina and hanging out a bit with sis saved my day. Today I feel empty. My heart has been nice to me today. I feel relaxed. I feel at peace in that sense. Instead of obsessing over bad health I’m left with a completely different kind of heartache, an all too familiar one. Of course. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Yeah, still haven’t learned to cope with that feeling. Wonder if I ever will. If it wasn’t for the music and the company of the cats I would have probably broken down on the bed hours ago.

Håkan. Stiftelsen. Winnerbäck. Eric Church. Thanks guys. Listening to you makes me feel a bit less stupid. People out there apparently feel the way I do, even though all I hear from friends is “it’s gonna get better”. Yeah, I know. Even I don’t doubt that. It’s just that… ah, never mind. Who cares anyway, right? That’s the feeling I have at the moment. No one gives a genuine fuck and no one wants to truly be with me unless they have no one better to spend their evening with. It’s a stupid idea and it’s – hopefully – not true but it hurts the same none the less. Sigh.

I was never a huge fan of Håkan. Listening to some of his latest songs makes me wish that I saw him live this summer. It’s crazy how much feelings his songs are packed with. I truly and whole heartedly respect musicians for having that talent to convey emotions with both melody and lyrics. You can hear a song and instantly know that it carries something for you. And then you listen to the lyrics and it gets even more powerful. Makes me wonder what it would feel like to not be able to hear it. Which also makes me think of a good movie we watched many months back – Perfect Sense.

I’m only good at one thing and that’s my job. There I’m confident. I feel like someone you can rely on. Though sometimes I wonder if I’m even good at that. There was a time where I had the idea that I was a good friend. A good listener. Someone you could turn to whenever really. But I’m starting to doubt that too. These days all I talk about is myself and my own issues. It seems I have my selfish reasons for everything. When it consumes too much energy or gives me nothing in return I’m no longer there. What kind of friend is that. Writing this made me realize another thing. I’m probably quite good at being a masochist as well, though some would probably call me a narcissist. It’s funny how different ideas you get from different perspectives, isn’t it?

I miss holding hands.

Well, don’t listen to me and my yapping from a delusional corner of the world. Listen to something that’s actually good instead.