So many thoughts. So many feelings. If I could just… convert them all into words and let the world know how I feel. If I could just settle down with how I feel. Let the past be the past. All I end up with is tears. Tears, tears and more tears…
It’s been five months now. Five months that I’ve been single. Geez, it sounds so dramatic. It really isn’t I guess, but it’s a big deal for me. Heck, it took me 25 years to find real and mutual love the first time around, and honestly… I don’t like this single thing. I’m not made for being alone. It’s tormenting. But yeah.. five months. And you can’t really move on until you’ve laid the past to rest, now can you.
I can honestly say that at first I thought I was doing quite OK. Sure, the first week was horrible. It’s like losing a part of yourself. There’s all of a sudden a big void inside of you. This thought just struck me… I wonder how everyone else deals with an issue like this? I guess it’s all a matter of us humans usually comparing our inner to others’ outer. Like.. they all (others) seem to deal with stuff so good. Sure, they feel bad just like I do but eventually they move on. They find happiness again. But I can only imagine that they go through the same exact shit that I do. Maybe they’re just not as clingy to their pasts… I hope for their sake that that’s the case.
After that first week though, it all seemed OK. It was like life continued. Work, my hobbies, stuff. Friends filled the void. It worked. I’m almost ashamed to say that but it really did. And I was hopeful. I was happy in a sense. I am happy still, at times. Then it slowly started to sink in. My left bedside is empty. There’s no one to come home to. No one to share those precious songs with. No one to cuddle with on the couch. No one to hug tight. No one to kiss on the forehead. No one to say I love you to. And there it is.. that lump in the throat. Followed by tears rolling down my cheek. If only I could give them to you to show you how much you mattered to me. If only…
It’s puzzling really, why it’s coming back to me now, with this kind of strength. I know she’s moved on. I know that there’s nothing saying that it would ever again work between us. I know that her friends hate me. I know that she hates me. I know that my friends says… move on. I know that it’s over. Over over over. But despite all that.. yes, I wish I could back to the start. Hope really is the last thing that leaves you.
NOW, of all times, I’m questioning my behavior from five months back. I was so sure back then, that what I was doing was the right thing. And maybe it was the right thing. It wasn’t working out. I was hurting her, she was hurting me. We were both hoping for the person on the other side to be someone else than they really were. Getting frustrated with our differences. But now… it’s like I feel that I could have done something differently. I could have had more patience. I could have been more mature. I could have said it’s gonne be OK. I could have said yes instead of no. I could have said stay, instead of go. I could have tried harder. I could have been more honest. I could have stopped blaming her personality and just said that I was hurt by her behaviour, and that I wanted for it to work out. That I wanted for us to build upon what was there in the core, the love for each other. But instead I was proud, and I thought I saw things so clearly. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t..
I don’t know what to say. I only know that instead of seeing the future, I reminisce about the past. I know that she made me the most happy person alive. She made me feel alive. Makes me feel alive, when I’m writing this crying my eyes and heart out about a broken past. There were times when I thought I didn’t deserve love like that. That I’d never find it. But then, then she popped up and proved me wrong. Gave me that element that life was missing. Made my life complete. A fresh breeze. A colorful flower. The prettiest flower I ever saw. And when we were lying on my bed that day, looking into each others eyes, knowing that we both loved each other.. at that moment, gosh. If there ever was to be one single definition of life that would be it. I felt like bursting into a big rainbow. Maybe even a double rainbow, haha. It was truly the best moment of my life <3
Now it’s all supposed to belong to the past. It’s all supposed to be shoved behind ones back and not thought about too much. To move on. To find new happiness, new love. It seems I’m not working that way, at least not yet. All I can see is elements of today that remind me of moments of yesterday. Music makes me cry. Series can’t be watched. Games can’t be played. Routes that can’t be walked. I know that eventually I have to turn all of these things into something positive and remember it with a smile. AND I DO! I really do. I remember it all in a good way. That’s why it’s so harsh on me. Friends say… try to remember what was bad. Try to remember why you broke up. And in a logical sense I can. And yes, I know… like I said… it won’t work. It’s probably not meant to work. But still.. hope, heart, memories. I’m fighting all of these things with my poor brain and it’s tiresome.
I’m not sure I really came any closer to something by writing this. It’s not really getting any clearer. I don’t really know anymore what I want to do or how I want to act when it comes to this. I wish I could just move on. The only thing I know is that I could probably go on forever rambling about thoughts that cross my mind. Memories. Stuff that will be with me forever and ever. Our first kiss. All nighters. Watching the sunrise together. Crying together. Holding hands. Falling asleep together. You waiting for me at the music school. Those long and refreshing walks. Even the arguments, and how we eventually resolved them. I remember even feeling bad for you, to the point of crying, when there was something I felt not working between us. How it pained me to admit that to myself, and how I didn’t want to hurt you. And now, how I’m twisting and turning the situation to try and find what made it all go wrong. What I did that was wrong, and what I could have done differently. How I could turn something that was so good into something were we both disliked each other. Maybe I will never wrap my head around it completely. I will just have to live with the fact that it wasn’t meant to be. Or something. Heck, that sucks..
But hey, if this ever reach you, in some way or another.. I just want you to know that I still love you a whole lot. And I always will. I never left because of lack of feelings. You’re such a beautiful and kind person and I feel blessed to have shared the moments I had with you. All these tears are for you. I wish there was a parellel universe in which everything was alright (or I could make everything alright) and I could still hug you tight and share my life with you, but it’s not like that so all I can say is sorry for all the pain I caused you, sorry for my bad behavior and I wish you the best of luck with everything! I truly wish you the best!
And they say you miss the situation, not the person. I’m not so sure anymore..
Antony – Cripple and the Starfish
Aqualung – Strange And Beautiful
Barry Louis Polisar – All I Want Is You
Bon Iver – Beth/Rest (Rare Book Room)
Bon Iver – I Can’t Make You Love Me/Nick Of Time
Coldplay – The Scientist
Coldplay – Yellow
Daft Punk – Instant Crush
Devendra Banhart – Baby
Håkan Hellström – Det kommer aldrig va över för mig
L.A. – Crystal Clear – Acústico
MGMT – Electric Feel